These poems were made to fit into a small collection, created for one of my classes. They were written during a rough time towards the end of my first year in art school and are a strong reflection of my thoughts as I was doubting whether or not to stick around. Every poem is accompanied by a pattern and integrated into it, the booklet tells the story of getting used to depressive/suicidal thoughts and emotions, and how they can slowly build up until you get shaken awake by truly wanting to end it.
Some of these made it in, some didn't, exclusive content!!!! (feel free to reach out if you are interested in seeing the full/final bundle :D)


At times it's almost unbearable, this moment aches me to my core and has hollowed me out
Empty to the point of feedback, my words not my own but those of a man four years in the past
Like they never left, reaching out of the hole I dug for myself, trying to pull in whatever's in arm's reach
My love, my heart, my knee and my spine, my skull follows soon after
An empty sack, left to rot and be puppeteered by a husk of its host
I stretch a cat and the ashes glow from the embers of my being, I get an email and I close the kiln

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I'm scared that my eventual death will be at my own hands, not because I hate living, I just get so tired that I might as well already be asleep

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I wake up and hold my wife, the alarm hasn't gone yet
For a moment, I feel like myself

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I jammed the fucking printer

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Is this the common experience? Are we all this scared, of being
I slow down/speed up, a known face ahead/behind me, I can't catch up/be seen
It would be the end of me, of course it would, can you imagine
To talk, put it out there, for all to see
God if they knew, it would all be over
If I was seen

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It's eleven at night and I've forgotten
One leg out of the bog and my hand in hers
It hits me and I want to beat it to death
This can't be good for me

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I want to be the best dad
There is so much I can teach them, I can be so kind
I hope they will get to see my smile, know my music
I'll tell them about you

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I want to name her Robin
I love birds
I don't want to kill myself

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Our second kid will be named Spoon

Short for Spoonbill

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A cosm of
Pain, promise, and pain again
The world keeps turning and we rise from the ashes
Together, no amount of power can overwhelm

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The chance for a better tomorrow, put down like a ravenous beast

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Busted wings
Three-toed and collapsing
Hollow bones waterlogged with exhaustion
Up high, under stars

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if I'd just be a bird
hop and skip on the grass our window overlooks
I could visit you, sit on a branch and look in
a smile on your face as you watch our show with me
for a moment I'd pause and look outside, my hand on yours as we rush to the window
I'll look back at us

and I'll tell you, I wish we were birds
and I'll tilt my head, as if I could hear myself talk
and tomorrow won't be with worry

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I would leave it all behind, as long as I could bring you
cram my consciousness into a walnut, give up

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hop and skip on the grass our window overlooks
live a short and simple life